COMPUTERSREALLYSUCK, –dot.com

Why computersreallysuck? because they do. Cast a gander at your supplied graphic, –Exhibit A. Everything you need to know about why computersreallysuck is right there! The only thing they’re good for – as demonstrated – is bringing you a babe in a pinch..but would they do that? Hardly! that’s just one of those promises that are made to be broken; and the rest of it is your worst nightmare. Computers are in it for themselves and you better believe it! They’ll deny access, destroy all your precious files and suck out your debit-card..in a heartbeat! And they make you lose sleep. Don’t believe me? Get one and find out. How much time is taken up in the care and feeding of your computer? Let’s look at that..but first,

..Introductions! Captain Video here, and I’ll be your personal tour-guide on how computersreallysuck, –let me count the ways. First, pick your favorite integer; then multiply that by your second favorite integer; then..and so on, and so on. Get my drift? Computersreallysuck..or, conversely, —Analog, by any other name, would..feel as cool! (to the touch). Okay, now..let’s examine some pop-culture myths and see if they contain a germ of truth (pro’s and con’s).

Myth #1: Computers make life easier. Oh really! is that a fact. Let’s fact-check that one out, shall we? Imagine, if you will, the Cramden’s Brooklyn apartment, with the addition of a personal computer on the dining-table, –where else? actually it would have to be his&hers computers, side-by-side, to ensure equality, quality control, all that..how would that look? Where would Alice put Ralph’s dinner? Where would Ed find room to shake out his wrists, shoulders, elbows..to take a letter? When will Trixie blow a head-gasket? And how long would that jealously guarded nest-egg, tenderly set aside upon which to build future dreams last, once our favorite public transportation engineer starts clicking on all the links popping up about how to make 20,000.bucks/month working at home? or ‘Sarah Lee’ wants to be be besty’s because she saw your profile and you’re so dynamic she just wants to communicate! And then, all the virus’s? Good luck with that! You get the idea. A once happy marriage, cataclysmically, and irretrievably..to the moon-rocks!

Myth #2 Computers are inherently utilitarian in nature. Uhh, right..WARNING! WARNING! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! WARNING! WARNING!! (etc.) That ring any bells? Don’ aks ‘Don’ how he feels about hearing all that noise, day in, and day out on some stupid desert planet they can’t get away from to reach Alpha Centauri and accomplish their mission because between three guys and three females; and a big-ear space-monkey! plus one lame Russian asset, they can’t get it together to fix the motor on a space-ship and get the heck out of Dodge. Incredible! unbelievable!! (Cyclops’s throwing rocks at you all day..starting to sound like D.C.?) And they have this mobile computer robot-thing with an annoying voice, and his own secure dock for long trips, that seems to be able to analyze everything..but he can’t diagnose some simple rocket-science issue?? And concerning their personal safety, aboard this island journey across the heavens, heading for a distant galaxy, he’s unreliable at best; because ‘Smith’ the Bela Lugosi knock-off re-programmed him to defect on cue, defaulting from Mr. ‘A.I.’ Helper to deadly menace, throwing lightning! everywhere, whenever that number comes up, –just like able seaman, Kowalski on board the SEAVIEW, weakest link in the whole chain of command, and loving it. Underwater pirates..Coming! in from the chill, dank waters outside, join the gill-people, –Kowalski! Is there no loyalty anymore?

Beam me up, Skipper

Myth #3: Computers are only as good, or bad! as they are programmed to be. Yeah, tell that to Commander Dave, a.k.a. “Where’s-your-helmet-Dave” Bowman. Computers really suck! Computers will always cop an attitude; just like when you’re trying to get ‘HAL’ to open the pod-bay doors, and a little cooperation would be expected, or at least hoped for..so you can come in and get warm; but now you’re up sh** creek with no paddle. Computers do not have your best interests at heart. In short, computers are evil. Computers will make some key person have a seizure so the whole planet can get killed by the Andromeda virus, a.k.a., –Android-19! (whatever) because some scientist fell asleep at the switch; and drooled from a fit of epilepsy triggered by the red light at the critical moment, when she should’ve been paying attention! and lives would have been saved. So now they go blame it on whoever, and get a pass! but the blame really,REALLY has to fall on a computer. Why? because com-put-ers real-ly suck..dot-commie!

Finally, myths aside, the proof’s in the space pudding..cosmic goo. Roddenberrian science proves it, –What! you don’t believe science?? The point is (doesn’t matter how you define IS!), is..COMPUTERSREALLYSUCK!!!!!! Roddenberry..You know, Roddenberry, –? Star Trek, –Chekov..Mister Sulu, Lieutenant U’Hura! etc., etc? take my Vulcan..Please! (he said the V-word..oy!)

So! the question has been, and is: What happened to Captain Kirk out there? really! What really happened to him?! that made him flip-out so extreme. Parallel universe issues? Would it have been the tribbels dumping down out of all the Enterprise’s A/C vents..threatening to in-fill the whole ship, so no one can move? Could they have made Kirk lose his grip? Or was it the lizard-guy in the rubber suit on that planet he had to fight, like a cage-match..to the death? Pos-si-bly, but I think that doesn’t satisfy our investigation with enough compelling evidence to support..IT, –any more than is out there to make the case that democrats’ knee-jerk reactions to elections is always CHEAT. It just doesn’t quite wash..Well! let me suggest that Kirk’s big-A** freak-out was not in any way shape or form connected to these notable, but patently inadequate space-benchmark psycho-events – all in a solar day’s work, as we know – that made him come completely un-hinged; no, –it was, I believe, because finally, after four of the longest five years’ space-mission in history, “..to explore..strange, new worlds, –and all of the rest of it, to..boldly go! where no man has gone before, CUE: Space Choir, AHH! AHHHH! AH! AH! AH! AH, AHHH..etc., etc.”, no..what happened, the final last straw! as it were, of the whole space burrito was the ship’s computer’s space-ily seductive female voice that bedeviled him, half-way across the known universe, with a coy answer everytime he would start his query with, “Computer..yada-yada-yada!” That’s it..there it is! Kirk desired her..and it was unattainable! the humiliation..JIM: “Bones..what do I do?” DR. McCOY: “I’m a doctor, dammit, not a marriage-counselor!” (SIGH) So, –in conclusion it all can be summed up, in a song, —Automation, by Allan Sherman (based on Fascination)..”Computer, play me dat tune!”

Published by scrunchymacscruff

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