SPACE-LOVE STORY: Your love for me is so good, –it has to be against Earth’s laws one way or another. I’ve noticed that about your planet; if something’s good, or even very excellent they quickly enact enforcement measures, to eradicate it..swiftly, with extreme prejudice! but I didn’t come half-way across the known galaxy to find you, and implement courtship, only to have

some stinking xzwrpk! – I think they’re called bureaucrat in your language, and I know I spelled it right in spite of the fact that this device is stating otherwise – come! and have some unelected xzwrpk nincompoop-for-hire with morning breath and a clip-board in the crook of his/her arm, flourishing a pile of locally generated forms outlining fake rules, and regulations approaching-and-telling! or in what manner I may find true love; and with whom! NO. I loaded my single-spaceman spaceship aboard the mothership with a few personal space belongings, and left everything to win your heart; and that was a lot! let me tell you, but that is what I am about (does not depend how you define IS; and, if you like your red-hot spaceman lover you can keep your red-hot spaceman lover). So I got tired of how things are back home, being really close to our sun, about, half a mile by your earth’s measurements..too hot for almost anybody to even think about being in love; or skiing! and getting warmer all the time. GLOBAL WARMING, we’ve been calling it..for lack of a more scientifically precise term; because such does not exist in our language (I tried looking it up in our space bront’saurus and it’s not there, no sin-o-nym for taht). So, one night, while out stargazing, I was checking up on your planet, –the Azure Globe as it is referred to where we’re at..a.k.a., the Cool, Blue Planet, by translation into common English, as your people would call it (that very excellent language, you, here, by the way, speak..when it’s conjugated and enunciated correctly and in good taste); and it’s very chilly, here, too; especially compared to our climates where I left off from sweating buckets and don’t get me started! but you earthpeople have many trees! still, to cut down; and fireplaces, to burn them in, and stay warm; and so I want to become a citizen among your people and be here with you, be a im’-mi-grant..maybe, even sing you The Immigrant Song; by the fire, as is your local custom (unless The Government came and took the fireplace). But yes, I want to stay here with you, in this solar system; in spite of the UNIVERSE FACT that your planet is getting colder every year since we have been paying attention to it, about this many degrees, dropping annually for the last, —universal measurement of time (=X), —global cooling we call that (another UNIVERSE FACT!); and that’s what’s happening on your earth, by the way, and you can verify that simply by going to the UNIVERSAL FACT-CHECKER, go ahead, it’s there, out there in the cosmos somewhere, conceived and assembled by one of our more extreme-to-right-of-center extra-terrestrials that wanted “..Just the facts, Ma’am..Dah! da-da-dah!” you’ll find it, it’s there, just..LOOK. Now (for the record): back where I come from we don’t do much of anything because the cats do all the heavy lifting there; because it’s too dam hot for them to sleep, and since they can’t lay around the _____’s, (our word for house..which, before the G.W. were like your earth’s igloo’s, with green, frozen lawns out front, and inside piled high! with ESKIMO PIE’s (for space-snacks); and you can add-on into that equation our adjective/combo-use-verb equivalent for your feckless – it’s a BEE thing, Se-man-tic-a B. – as a piggy-back’d pre-verb, of sorts..I think maybe in your language it’s called helping verb, I don’know, if that helps, anyway, add it up in that part of the sentence structure preceding HOUSE,stick it there..for exttra emphasis), okay, —cats..all day; they can’t lay around the _____ all day, and, whereas they got nothing else they can do to MEOW-MEOW! away the time, they took over governing our planet, making all the necessary arrangements for our needful creature the air-conditioning services, etc.; and we don’t elect them, they just do it, and it’s convenient, taht way. Which leaves us plenty of time to enjoy our rich foods, work cross-word puzzles, and look at the stars. And write poems. No!! we don’t have TELE-VISION. So you would think with a set-up like that everybody would be in love all the time; but sadly! this is not the case. Think about how much you could stay focused on romantic notions..when the outside temperature’s only around 186,000,000.99999999999999999999999 (by your earth’s measure, in degrees Centigrade..give or take), it just don’t work; and on the side of that, I notice our cats are doing a fine job running our planet compared to the @#$%^&*&^%$#@!!@#$%^&*(???!‘s (we don’t have a word for them) charged with similar responsibilities here on yours. In fact on our planet on a slow day, the stupidest, lamest, dumb-a** cat can walk circles around your best and brightest, ah, star commander’s, or whatever you care to call it, here; plus calculate the closest distance between our planet and its sun at the normal seasonal equinox’s..vis-a-vis, the farthest separation betwixt the two, at that other cyclical point in sidereal time, doing the math in his, or her head..while managing a 1/2-hour treadmill workout at the high setting..and chew gum! wearing their RAYBAN’s (our cats are no pussies); and that’s one thing that, that, how do you say it? that really blows me away! in terms of coming to terms..with terms of citizenship, according to standards for such stuff on your earth, —Whom do we accept? (and HOW) and I get it, I get it! It’s hard for your earth leader-persons, –as they prefer to be mentioned, –whether in the classroom or at the nerve-center of your world’s government’s, aka, the Big Apple,&U.N.,etc.,’s hard! difficult in the extreme for them to shoulder the blame, when it all goes awry..shoulder! something peculiar to the physical anatomy’s of you, you race of earthlings; and additionally one other thing: What is it with you people and everything’s about race?? C’mon! we’re all one race!! Anyway, I got off the rails, there, with that one, railing like that; which reminds me of one of your local planetary customs I’ve been noticing, a tendency to rail about it/anything,everything, whenever a person is faced with something they fail to understand, can’t grasp, “He doesn’t get it.” Thanks! tahnks for how do you define IT? and is that leadership-level all?? that kind of that sez”He gets it!”anyway, a knee-jerk tendency by all, to rail at..the Unknown! all your planet’s left-wing, knee-jerk liberal commiepinkofag’s!!!!! that is; anyway. Oh! but as I was saying, your leadership’s don’t like the criticism‘s and so, politely request everyone/anyone on the planet..whether on the streets, or in the homes, Holmes, –to please refrain from criticizing; in fact, they’ve gone so far as to not only request that citizens of your planet not criticize..but much farther than that, and, showing plainly their adverseness to a predilection on the part of many, to heckle (our word for that is grrphr_v, I put a space there before the last character as there is no member letter equivalent in our alphabet, –or whatever you care to call it), –so much more do they disdain hecklers, that they have added a, ah, an enforcement component to the request – to not heckle – which is not really totally officially an enforcement component, per se, but rather, a sort of recommendation, aksing in a nice way that everyone in the community cooperate with the language regulations..or guidelines, if you prefer, by kindly turning in the names of those who staunchly refuse/RESIST going along with the programme. That concept – taht of compulsory compliance on the parts of everyone – is so foreign, to our minds..can I say the word foreign?? because I notice there are lotS of words – YES! lotS with a capital S! – lot of words here on your planet, –like foreign, which – for purposes of debate ONLY – serve to clarify the discussion of issues on how you/we aught to be governed..though many have likened it more to a thing here called Ranched (as opposed to being governed); and with that kind of Lincoln-esque imagery stirring emotions, it seems incomprehensible that any intelligent life form any-where! would want to eliminate from the usage such efficacious words that – used appropriately – bring into sharp focus that very abstract topic of LIBERTY, being the core of the debate,BEAMMEUP! and a something of such personal import as that, wherein the disputed words we may want, can only lead to a more complete understanding of, —What’s-what! as your people call it; which, had they only known that! huh, what? – what’s-what – they could of went to City-college..anyway, I don’t want to rock the love-boat, here, –on your planet, hear? as you-all have been so gracious to consider accepting me into your race of Earthy-link’s, adopted, so to speak, by you I want to fit in, as-best-os I can. I’m picking up on your lingo, correct?? catch-as-catch-can (hope its good enough, if not, sorry!need to listen harder). Just one thing, one only other thing..are spiders, here, on your earth, smaller than five feet? ours on our planet make the bath-tubs look tiny, they migrated..from Mars, –the spiders, a little hard to handle: All you need is gloves! gloves..gloves is all you need! beetles, beetles better, A-hem! oh, and are any of yours vegan’s? ours are not; and so, like, how many genders of cats on your planet? only two on ours, you can fact-check it, by the way, and so..I don’t want to get that goofed-up, calling one of your furry pet’s with the pointy ears by the wrong pronoun! and cause offense, perhaps start a global conflict, God forbid..oh! sorry, one other thing, only: How do your people celebrate Christmas? because where I come from, our planet..which is like so many other planets in our galaxy, where there’s intelligent life..with the possible exception of some of them that are luke-warm only, and march in their local plaza’s with pictures of their leader on a stick, –and we know very many of you earthlings believe in that stuff, about life out there, somewhere..on other planets; and if it feels good, fine! then, by all means..but, so, uh, —CHRISTMAS! we all, from the hot planet, here, worship Christ, the Son of our creator, Father God, our Saviour and Lord; and in the whole universe there is one name only for him and his name is JESUS,akaTheWAY,TheLIFE. So I just want to understand what your feelings, here on your planet are, concerning his Universal Truth..not that it would change my heart any towards the One who came to save us all from our space sins, but just as a point of interest..and possible discussion? Can I say the word JOHN? and the number 3, –with verse SIXTEEN?

And with that, –oh yeah! and will you marry me? I’ll supply the space preacher..and cake! (insert photo)

Love, Spaceman

ps: Here’s your proposal we write ’em on our planet: Dear! Dear..fetch me a pale of water; so I can talk to your vater (about some particular’s). I’ll ask for your hand, he’ll presume it was planned; but in the end, –us by the fire in December, it won’t mater.

Published by scrunchymacscruff

Thank you

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